Waking Up Bipolar: Finding the Right Diagnosis to Begin Healing

by Cheryl Witmer

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Today, I am going to share with you my greatest memory, one I live with every day. As a child, I was one of those happy kids that never really shared the feelings inside, like my father’s passing when I was eleven. It took me thirty years and a boat load of counseling to finally be able to say his name. I talked about stuff, just not the deep feelings, like how I felt when he died; the gut wrenching pain I was in. I wasn’t even allowed to go to his funeral. At the time, I think my mom was trying to protect us somehow, but in doing that, I really didn’t get to say goodbye. And it continued my pattern of not facing my feelings.

I remember crying one day in high school. I am sure it was over some guy, but everyone was shocked that I cried because I never showed my emotions at school. I liked to be in control so I kept my pain bottled up inside of me. I didn’t want to fall apart. As I grew into my twenties, I started drinking with friends regularly. I never missed work but I do remember waking up with a hangover on many occasions. I was that fun-loving crazy girl; the one who was overly loud and always flirting with all the guys. But the other half of that girl was what was on the inside, someone who was deeply depressed.

I didn’t know until later in my life that my grandmother on my mom’s side was institutionalized for mental illness. Back then when someone struggled with mental illness, people were put into institutions because people didn’t know how to deal with the person. My sister shared this with me and I think this was the first time I realized my depression could actually be related to a family history of mental illness. I felt somewhat comforted by that information.

I went to my primary care doctor and explained that I was depressed and just like they do now, they put me on antidepressants, which did help with some of my mood issues but I still drank. Knowing what I know now, alcohol and antidepressants don’t really work together since alcohol is a depressant. I am not sure how that combination was affecting me but I went through some difficult relationships and one in particular caused me great pain. I isolated myself from my friends and family, so much so that the pain became too great to bear. I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol. I immediately called for help because I knew I didn’t want to die, I just needed a wake-up call and boy was that one.

After the attempt, I was required to see a psychiatrist as part of my treatment, who told me I was depressed. Duh! That particular doctor frustrated the hell out of me. I just went to meet the requirements of my treatment. Thankfully, after my attempt, I ended my relationship and went back into the real world where I met my daughter Danielle’s dad. He was my best friend. We started dating, which really shouldn’t have happened (we should have remained friends), but the greatest gift from that relationship was my daughter, Danielle. Once I had Danielle, I knew I would never take a bottle of pills or anything that would leave her without her mom; she was the most important person in the world to me.

We shared custody and when I didn’t have Danielle with me, I could still be a wild child so to speak. Since I wasn’t responsible for her I could go back to drinking, staying out late and being that overly loud obnoxious party girl, but when she was with me, I did my best to be the perfect mom. At this time, I became involved in musical theater. The people I met through this hobby, I still cherish today. Yeah, we partied a lot but we had so much fun. In the background my depression still lingered. I felt like I was two different people; the perfect mom and the party girl. The back and forth really affected my mood. Yet through all of this I had a successful work career and finally met the love of my life, Robert.

Robert saw both sides of my life, the good and the bad. I decided to go back to school, work a fulltime job, and be a better wife and mother. Robert brought up my behavior around drinking and said ‘you really get angry when you drink and I think you should stop.’ And I did stop but I became more depressed when I did, so my doctor tried a new medication and I seemed to get better. But I don’t think I truly was better, as I started eating and eating. Looking back, I feel like eating was an addictive pattern that replaced drinking. Robert never changed his love for me despite my overwhelming weight. We did have a point in our marriage where we almost broke up because we weren’t communicating effectively and I knew things had to change. We went to a Marriage Encounter weekend and learned how to communicate, which helped me deal with some deep fears. The biggest fear was losing Robert suddenly just as I had lost my dad. I remember one night not being able to reach him and when we finally connected, I was hysterical because I thought he died somewhere. The WorldWide Marriage Encounter Experience is a weekend designed to learn to listen, share, and connect more deeply.

We had lived in Colorado for about ten years when I finally found a great PCP who referred me to a great psychiatrist who eventually diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, specifically bipolar II. Wow, I had never considered this potential diagnosis but it made sense with all the mood changes I experienced. This doctor prescribed me medication that made me no longer feel depressed but I didn’t feel happy either. It felt like a flatlining of my moods. Robert says he would look at me and I had a blank stare, like nothing was inside. At the time, I just thought since I was not having all the mood changes, I was doing better and the amazing thing is, I started to lose weight and a lot of it, over 100 lbs. But like all illnesses some things work and some things don’t, the key is to work with your doctor.

Robert was concerned with my mood because I had become so distant. As a person living with bipolar disorder, those who love you become your greatest asset. With changes in insurance, my doctor was no longer covered so I went to someone a good friend recommended and I have been with this doctor since that time. Again, it is a process but he is someone that only prescribes medication in small doses and is truly a chemist as I take a few different drugs in very small amounts. I cannot stress this enough when I say this is a process. Sometimes you have to try many different medications to find what works for you. I seem to be that person who gets the side effect that only happens with two percent of the population, which means I have tried a lot of medications. Most of them take two to four weeks to take effect.

I tracked my mood for a couple of years, noting my medications and how my mood was throughout the day. I am treated for both depression and mood. Medications for mood are different from medications for depression. My medications generally change slightly twice a year; when the time changes if you can believe that. More natural light can positively impact my mood thus needing a medication change. I have written a lot about depression but I am not sure if I have covered what my bipolar looks like. Bipolar disorder used to be referred to as manic depression. I like living on the manic side. I feel really upbeat and energized, like I have a natural high. Sometimes it leads to anxiety and I can have panic attacks for no apparent reason. When this happens, I work with my doctor to figure out if perhaps it means it’s time for a tweak in my medication.

If this process sounds overwhelming; it can be but let me tell you; it has been worth it because I am so much happier these days.

If I was to advise anyone on what to do if diagnosed with a mood disorder, it is to first address diet and exercise. Eliminate things like sugar because it is highly addictive. Getting off sugar is something I still struggle with. Diet and exercise are a crucial component of my mental health. I still need to be treated with medication because my brain does not function like most people.

Through all of this, even with the challenges of identifying and treating my mood disorder, I excelled at my job, I even got my MBA and kept all that weight off. That was over fifteen years ago. Life has been pretty amazing since then! My doctor, Robert, Danielle, and I all monitor this illness. I have not had a bad depressive incident in years.

Then I was laid off from my job of thirty-four years, having worked there over half my life. At the same time I developed a bad back problem. As you can imagine, this did affect my mood and my weight. I gained back a lot of weight I had lost but through it all I have managed my mood pretty well. I do have a therapist who helped me through the devastation of losing a job, that had really defined who I was. I am continuing to work on my weight, which is a problem and my mood has been cycling a bit more since these changes but I have never gone back to the dark hole I lived in earlier in my life. These changes were another reminder that my mental health is something I must always take into consideration.

Why am I sharing this with you—I have always wanted to be a person who spoke out against stigma about this disorder but have been too scared people will treat me differently or I won’t be able to obtain a job. My doctor even told me not to use the word “bipolar” but to say I suffer from atypical depression if I want to share, but I want to be an advocate and not feel shame because of a mental illness. If I told you I was diabetic, would you treat me differently? I want to help people in their journey and show people they can live successful and very productive lives living with a mood disorder. I don’t want to be scared anymore of what people will think. My husband and daughter have loved me just as I am. Some of my closest friends know and they have walked this journey with me.

One of the most important people who shared this journey with me was my sister. Even though she lived thousands of miles away, she had this uncanny way of knowing when I was starting to feel depressed. I tend to withdraw. If she hadn’t heard from me, she would reach out to check on me. I encourage anyone who has people in their life that have mental health issues to reach out and let them know you are there for them. Unfortunately, she passed three years ago and I miss her terribly, however I know she would be incredibly proud of me for finally sharing my journey.

This is my greatest memory and I finally want to be an anti-stigma advocate and coach to anyone who needs it. I want to thank all of you who took the time to read all of this because this is who I am!

If you or someone you know may be in crisis or considering suicide, please call, text, or chat the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.

​EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR: Gabriel Nathan | EDITOR: Laura Farrell | DESIGN: Leah Alexandra Goldstein | SITE ORIGINATOR: Bud Clayman