The Ambition of Recovery: Surviving Gun Violence, a Story of PTSD

by Silas Peplinski

My name is Silas Peplinski. Born in Sioux Falls, South Dakota and primarily lived in that area my whole life. I’ve had a typical middle class to lower class life with times of having not much in the house. Throughout growing up I’ve had few serious chapters in my life.

I was eleven at the time when my mother was involved in a fatal car accident. She’s alive, but has a number of medical problems due to the accident. That incident happened May 28th, 2015, which would be the same day that nine years later I would be shot, which I’ll shortly talk about.

I still have images embedded in my brain from seeing my mother in the ER covered in blood, not knowing if she was going to live or not. I honestly don’t know what I would do today if she didn’t make it. She went through a couple years of therapy and she still pushes herself today. Her resilience is part of her survival. Her accident was in a way my awakening into the real world. Throughout my life, I’ve watched how women around me stay strong through so much and honestly, I don’t know where I would be now without her presence. I don’t know how well I would be able to deal with my pain if I didn’t grow up watching her stay strong through her pain. Our relationship nowadays is still as strong as before, if not stronger. She’s always been there for me and has helped me overcome a lot of battles.

A few months later on July 23, 2015. My brother Austin took his own life. As a family we were still dealing with my mom’s accident. I watched her move in pain almost everyday with nothing I could do to help her but tell her to be strong. Hearing the news about my brother seemed so unreal. At the time I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t understand pain like that then.

Being that young the only pain I knew was fighting with my brothers or falling off my bike. Hearing my brother was having too much pain that he ended his life was a surprise to me. Death was a surprise to me. I was too young to understand why someone could do what my brother did, so it was another painful moment that I will never forget.

My PTSD from seeing my mother in the hospital and seeing my brother at the viewing still impacts me to this day. I’m a lot better at understanding this part of myself but there’s times I feel like my mental health has worsened because of the ways I’ve ignored all my pain and bottled it up. I know I’m in more control of my emotions nowadays as an adult. Growing up, it seemed to me that all I could do to cope was to shut everything out or act out. Now, I’ve been trying to open and eventually close these doors in my life, but this time the right way so I can move forward peacefully.

The most recent impactful moment of my life has been when I was shot in the neck by my best friend. The date was May 28th, 2022. I was eighteen years old. I was driving my car with one of my best friend’s in the backseat. Recently I had purchased a new handgun. I’ve always had a passion for firearms. I don’t know why. I believe strongly in being able to protect oneself when needed. I have been able to go hunting or target shooting so I became familiar with guns. My friend was curious, he similarly had always been interested in guns and he wanted to see my new handgun. I told him to, “be careful,” and handed it back to him.

Shortly after there was a loud pop. The moments that came after were somehow seemingly in slow motion but also moving so quickly. My ears rang like somebody had struck a bell inside my head. After that moment, the sounds all went blank, besides hearing screams. I didn’t really feel anything like pain at first, I felt the warm blood start coming from the place I had been shot. It felt like I wasn’t even controlling my body anymore or even in my body at all. Everything that went through my head was everything I’ve been through. I didn’t think I was going to live. My friend had jumped out of the car as it was rolling to a stop and threw it into park. The look on his face was nothing but shock. He grabbed a hoodie and wrapped it tightly around my neck. I tried to tell him “I love you,” but it wouldn’t come out at first. I eventually was able to mouth out the words to him and he held me until the ambulance and police had arrived.

They brought me to Avera at Yankton, South Dakota. I remember only being there for a short period of time before they put me to sleep and brought me in a helicopter to Avera in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I spent two days at the hospitals all together. The hospital visits alone left me with an extensive amount of PTSD. I never felt so scared of someone who was meant to be taking care of me. I hadn’t been scared of anything that was happening to me until those moments. There was nothing I could do in that state of mind and body. They grabbed me right where my gunshot wound was multiple times when moving me. They argued with me and told me that they were all I had and therefore I had to comply with whatever you did or said. They were consistently late on my pain medication by two hours. The parts of me that had not been fractured by being shot felt broken and powerless. These feelings stayed with me for the months to follow. I left there and now every time I have to go to the doctors I absolutely hate it.

That initial pop has led me on a journey of rehabilitation. This has been centered on my personal healing both mentally and physically since the incident. The bullet entered my neck and fractured three of my vertebrae. A majority of the bullet exited my neck but bullet fragments and a piece of the chain I was wearing that day became stuck inside my neck, still to this day. Currently, I’ve managed to move my whole body again, but my left arm is still noticeably weaker than what it was or compared to my right arm. My nerves on my right side of my chest down to my right foot suffered extensive amounts of nerve damage as did my left arm. It makes feeling and touch not quite there for me. For example, when I go to touch water in the bath I can feel it normally with my left foot and right hand but if I try to see if it was hot or cold with my left arm or right leg I can’t feel the temperature. It just tingles slightly with sensation and touch.

I deal with pain constantly. Pain from my nerves throughout my body, pain from my neck and back. All sorts of pain.The thing that hurts the most, or the aspect that affects me the most is my mental state. I have screams and images that just don’t leave my head. The rehabilitation I went through at first, when I could barely move my body at all, when I was unable to walk or move my arm for months, broke me down. I felt not humanlike through it all. I didn’t understand how I could go from being so healthy and strong, working all the time and being active to this broken, weak, injured kid. Having PTSD, anxiety, nightmares, and flashes are all part of my daily life now. People sometimes witness a smile and positive show if they see me, a lot of it feels like I’m just trying to forget something I can’t forget so I act like I’m never thinking about it or dealing with it.

In the beginning I didn’t know how to accept this new reality and I still don’t. Dealing with  the truth that I was accidentally shot by my best friend was also hard to accept. I had a lot of buried anger which turned me into a more tense person. My friend was a very close friend to me and still is nowadays. A lot of people in my life didn’t really want him around or didn’t want him to talk to me, but they never really understood why I could forgive him so easily. Because I have forgiven him. I found Stephen B Smith’s video whose story was similar to mine and he had said he couldn’t begin to move on if he didn’t forgive. I know my friend didn’t mean to do what he did to me and if he could he’d change it because I know it’s affected him deeply too, not just myself. I find closure in being able to forgive someone who’s caused pain in me because part of forgiveness is about learning to accept the situation peacefully.

I’ve reached out to counselors lately, in hopes to find help to heal the mental part of this experience. When going through something like I have the mind is what continues to battle me the most. The anger and violent images I see in my head remain there, while another part of me is trying my best to be a good person to everyone and choose peace over violence. My life has changed, and physical therapy and occupational therapy will now be a consistent part of my life/ With all this I’ve realized life will always throw me battles. At the same time, I’ve realized we endure pain and receive battles for reasons. To make us stronger than before even if we don’t see how yet. I didn’t see it for a while and still struggle to see it, but I know it’s true. What helps me stay focused on the future is everyone around me who’s in my life. My lovely girlfriend KyLee, my parents and brothers, and my close friends, even videos such as Stephen Smith’s video are all part of the picture in my head. These things help me to better myself. The pain that’s sat on my chest over years is another reason I try to be better because I know I can’t let all my pain in my life be for nothing. I feel like everyone has a motivation and it doesn’t always have to be people, but everyone needs to figure out that motivation.

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